DZNUTS

Dear Dave Zabriskie,

You are a funny guy. It's nice to see someone who is weird, but also so normal, holding his own in the world of cycling. More importantly, when I saw you with your 70's mustache, I literally cheered. By myself, at the TV. I had my hand up in a fist pump before I realized what I was doing.

Thank you for that.

I'm wearing my sad face.

That's just depressing. I realize maybe he was more tired than sad, but dammit. I'm sad, especially since being that close means that they were virtually tied if Contador wasn't such a big fat dick.

Here's the scene as I remember it, Andy and Alberto are represented as muppet baby versions of themselves.

Andy: Race you to the top! Hehe!

Alberto: (Oh poop. He got a head start.) I don't want to play!

Andy: (Oh no! I tripped on a rock!) Ouch!

Alberto: Hahaha! Now I'm going to win! (Run run run)

I've broken it down like this because otherwise I'll use lots of swearing, and lots of inappropriate things that would make even Contador haters cringe a little. I figure if I can imagine Contador as a little miss piggy I won't think about raping him with a pitchfork(as much). I can calmly say, yes, miss piggy is a bitch, but she's just a baby, so you can't throttle her until her head pops off. Because some people think that's wrong.

And hopefully, when I do meet Contador, I'm able to control myself in that manner as well. Yes, he's a complete asshole, but you'll go to prison if you hurt him, unless the jury saw the race, then I'll probably get off scott free...But I can't think like that. Then that urge to bludgeoned bubbles to the top.

Fabian did really awesome, one guy was 17 seconds away and then after that everyone wasn't even close, so that's a great win for him. Also Dave Zabriskie did great, and he's just a fun nutcase, case in point complements of twitter.

Last year on the way to Paris I had to stop in an Indian restaurant for an emergency crap. I hope this doesn't happen again tomorrow. about 2 hours ago via web

so it was fun to see him do well. I always kind of wondered what they did if they had to take a nature break that wasn't the standard pee off to the side. It's great to learn cause knowledge is power!(why can't I remember where that's from but it's super glued into my brain?)

But really. 39 seconds overall. You know, the same 39 seconds Alberto roofied and raped Andy to win? Yeah. That hurts. A lot.

I hope that smug son of a bitch feels like crap about that forever. If he ever has kids I hope he hides that victory in shame. "Yeah yeah, won that year. Let's look at the year before though, where I really kicked ass!" I bet he'll just lie about it. Gah.

I AM DEPRESSED BY THIS WHOLE THING.

I think it was an extra kick in the pants because Andy did so well. If he had really fucked up the time trial, maybe I would have been able to move on and say "See, Alberto had it in the bag, sure he made a real dick move that day, but that's just because he's a fucking coward, it's cool though, because he ended up winning in the end anyway."

You know, Like, two minutes, maybe I would have even been good with a minute and a half. Just more of a buffer than the time you FUCKING ROBBED WHEN YOU WERE BEING A FUCKING CHEAT.

Yeah, I guess there's still some rage simmering among the depression. I can live with that.

I keep thinking I want Alberto to crash out tomorrow, but you know what? That wouldn't change anything, that would just make it an empty win. Kind of like what Alberto has right now. But I still wonder if that would feel a little better.

I would be okay with people throwing rotten vegetables at Alberto though. I feel like that would heal some of the deeper wounds.

I think I will imagine him like this. Happy, cute smile. IN YELLOW. Also sometimes naked. But that has nothing to do with the race.

TOTALLY BUMMED DOOD.

But happy Andy is here to make it all better. And possibly one of those little stuffed torture dolls that I stuck Contador's face on. I'm going to need more push-pins.

The good news is Andy won the stage...

What is this? What the HELL is this? I really hope Andy is about to pile drive this guy straight into the ground, because that's really all that I would find acceptable in this situation. Maybe he's going for the throat? Maybe he's going to push him into the banister? Spoiler alert: He does none of those things. They're hugging.






Andy. ANDY.

NO. NONONO.

You have completely lost it. Look at you, you're gushing, you're giddy, dammit Andy you're being too damn cute. WHERE IS THE ANGER? That whole 'anger in my stomach' that was just indigestion from the energy gel wasn't it. Not cool man. You can't leave me hanging like that.

Alberto is a BASTARD. Possibly BASTARDO where he comes from. You can't give him props for letting you win! What, are we going to give him credit for stopping the race when Sammy went down too? That's ridiculous. And silly. I refuse to do it.

Mr. Sanchez did really awesome after kissing the pavement like that, by the way.

Look Andy. I'm glad you won, I really am, I'm glad you're happy about it. But dammit. You were supposed to rip this guys legs off, and then beat him with them, and possibly make some sort of comment about the moral fiber of his mother. WHERE IS THAT?!?

I know you tried, and I appreciate that. But holy crap, you just can't be friends! How do I know you're taking this seriously?!?! You can't be happy go lucky! You're my rider! I want you to come at Contador with a bike wheel! Okay, okay, that was pretty lame, I'd want you to head butt him with your helmet on or something, that's at least twice as bad ass as a bike wheel attack.

And what the hell was he slapping you for afterward? Slapping in the the face. And it wasn't a friendly pat, or a really uncomfortable sensual stroking. It was several hard slaps. Like if you had passed out on the ground and your eyes rolled into the back of your head, that's the exact slapping motion I would have picked to revive you. Possibly some CPR. Even after you insisted you were okay and having no trouble breathing.

Anyway.

It was like he was laughing and saying "Maybe next year, bitch" Because that's exactly what it looked like to me, and that scummy shrimp is gonna go down for shit like that.

I AM NOT AMUSED.

I am still hopeful that this whole race has been an elaborate ruse for you to make Alberto feel comfortable, and then you lay down the law in the time trial, or even somehow in the race tomorrow. I have big dreams.

I don't want to say that I want Contador to crash into a barrier or an overzealous fan. But I secretly hope that's what happens. I didn't want that to happen originally, I wanted Andy to beat him fair and square, before I found out Contador was a total asshat. Now I don't have issues with that. I've come to turns with my morality and it goes something like this. Contador is a big fat douche bag, and he deserves to get beaten. Hard.


So in conclusion. Andy Schleck = Awesome. Alberto Contador = Scum sucking hobo.

That is all.

No wait, I lied, why did no one tell me that Jens crashed?? Why did I have to read it on some stupid website news journal that he had to borrow some random bike and haul ass back in. What the hell Phil Ligget. I depend on that kind of information coming from you. After you backing Alberto like he was a god damn hero, I'm not sure I much like you at all. Time to replace you with Bob.

Suck on that Phil.