What is this? What the HELL is this? I really hope Andy is about to pile drive this guy straight into the ground, because that's really all that I would find acceptable in this situation. Maybe he's going for the throat? Maybe he's going to push him into the banister? Spoiler alert: He does none of those things. They're hugging.
Andy. ANDY.
NO. NONONO.
You have completely lost it. Look at you, you're gushing, you're giddy, dammit Andy you're being too damn cute. WHERE IS THE ANGER? That whole 'anger in my stomach' that was just indigestion from the energy gel wasn't it. Not cool man. You can't leave me hanging like that.
Alberto is a BASTARD. Possibly BASTARDO where he comes from. You can't give him props for letting you win! What, are we going to give him credit for stopping the race when Sammy went down too? That's ridiculous. And silly. I refuse to do it.
Mr. Sanchez did really awesome after kissing the pavement like that, by the way.
Look Andy. I'm glad you won, I really am, I'm glad you're happy about it. But dammit. You were supposed to rip this guys legs off, and then beat him with them, and possibly make some sort of comment about the moral fiber of his mother. WHERE IS THAT?!?
I know you tried, and I appreciate that. But holy crap, you just can't be friends! How do I know you're taking this seriously?!?! You can't be happy go lucky! You're my rider! I want you to come at Contador with a bike wheel! Okay, okay, that was pretty lame, I'd want you to head butt him with your helmet on or something, that's at least twice as bad ass as a bike wheel attack.
And what the hell was he slapping you for afterward? Slapping in the the face. And it wasn't a friendly pat, or a really uncomfortable sensual stroking. It was several hard slaps. Like if you had passed out on the ground and your eyes rolled into the back of your head, that's the exact slapping motion I would have picked to revive you. Possibly some CPR. Even after you insisted you were okay and having no trouble breathing.
Anyway.
It was like he was laughing and saying "Maybe next year, bitch" Because that's exactly what it looked like to me, and that scummy shrimp is gonna go down for shit like that.
I AM NOT AMUSED.
I am still hopeful that this whole race has been an elaborate ruse for you to make Alberto feel comfortable, and then you lay down the law in the time trial, or even somehow in the race tomorrow. I have big dreams.
I don't want to say that I want Contador to crash into a barrier or an overzealous fan. But I secretly hope that's what happens. I didn't want that to happen originally, I wanted Andy to beat him fair and square, before I found out Contador was a total asshat. Now I don't have issues with that. I've come to turns with my morality and it goes something like this. Contador is a big fat douche bag, and he deserves to get beaten. Hard.
So in conclusion. Andy Schleck = Awesome. Alberto Contador = Scum sucking hobo.
That is all.
No wait, I lied, why did no one tell me that Jens crashed?? Why did I have to read it on some stupid website news journal that he had to borrow some random bike and haul ass back in. What the hell Phil Ligget. I depend on that kind of information coming from you. After you backing Alberto like he was a god damn hero, I'm not sure I much like you at all. Time to replace you with Bob.
Suck on that Phil.
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